Friday, March 30, 2012

How I Will Spend My 640 MILLION Dollars: A List

The Mega Millions lottery has just hit $640 MILLION. That's a half of a BILLION dollars. That's two shitty Disney movies PLUS a Pixar short. That's not even life changing, that's several generations changing. It's the kind of money that makes people silly.

Like many, I've decided I'm playing, and since The Secret has taught me I have to act like I've already won (and feel the gratitude and envision these things, believe that it's going to happen, etc.) I'm going to make up a list of "How I Will Spend My 640 MILLION Dollars."

I'm going to set aside practicalities. Let's assume that I've bought a house in a few different cities/countries, a super nice car(s), paid off my parents' house, bought them a couple cars, prepaid my retirement and my parents' retirement (NOTE WHAT A GOOD GOD DAMN DAUGHTER I AM,) taken care of any other family members' needs, made a generous donation to a few charities, hired a personal trainer, bought all new clothes, furnishings, etc., and prepaid all educational opportunities for myself and any future progeny. Now we're going to have some God damn fun.

How I Will Spend my 640 MILLION Dollars:

1) (I stole this idea from my friend Jerry,) I am buying air time on local media and I am going to read off a list of grievances and fuck you's or to otherwise humiliate the people whom I like least. This will be a monthly installment (because one time would not be enough.) Think Vital Information, except I'll be a lot less family friendly than Lori Beth Denberg. That, or Grinds My Gears, except far more intelligent. I anticipate ratings to be through the roof.

2) Peyton Manning. Everyone has their price and that man will be bought, Denver Broncos or no Denver Broncos. Sure, he makes $36 million a year, but I figure that means for $37 million he could be mine for a year. And what a year!


3) I will buy Richmond a sports stadium so they will finally shut the fuck up and move on to actually important things. It will be the coolest stadium ever, coupled with an extremely offensive name—something on the level of Anal Leakage Arena. But Anal Leakage Arena will cater to the people who don't actually give a shit about baseball. You'll be able to get State Fair (RIP) food, a massage, a decent cocktail, and sing karaoke; all of this would be glassed in so you could still see the game (although I don't know why you would want to.) Even I'd go see a baseball game at a stadium like that.

Seriously, when I made this graphic I forgot to include anything about baseball. That's how much I don't care.

4) I will pay people (handsomely) to let me shoot them with a paintball gun. Be they a person crossing (SLOWLY) against the signal, driving 15 under the speed limit, trying to be That Guy in a social setting, or having 50+ items (plus produce) at the self-checkout, I want to finally be able to take out the rage that I've felt for years while otherwise suffering in silence. It shall be glorious!

5) Bars with annoying clientele would be bought out for the evening and turned into private events whenever I felt so inclined. Having grown tired of 'brahs,' girls ordering stupidly complicated drinks at a packed bar, douche bag guys hitting on whorishly dressed girls, and the usual parade of morons that tend to magically show up at the bar I'm at (I seem to be a magnet for that shit,) I'd pay the bar generously to toss everyone out, and have all my friends come down for drinks on me instead of having to tolerate assorted assholes. For additional fun I could target bars that cater to these annoying people, just to inconvenience them as I send them on their way. If you're from Richmond and spend any time in the bar scene, you know which bars I'm talking about.

6) I would become a film producer so I could help resolve the black hole in an entertainment industry filled with sequels and terrible plot lines. There are too many scripts out there that are probably awesome, but get passed over because the studios want a guaranteed return on their investment. They're all too busy looking for the next Harry Potter, Hunger Games, Twilight, etc., that they could have theoretically passed up something truly amazing.

7) I would start a big girl clothing and shoe line. Yes, I'll be working on not being fat anymore (see 'personal trainer' listed in the assumed purchases made above,) but any fool can read the tea leaves on our society. We're large and we're getting larger. There's a big (har har) hole where flattering, affordable, stylish plus sized clothing ought to be. Yes, there are some lines that are decent, but I plan on capitalizing on the market. The clothes will be fabulous and I will make a mint (to add to my pile of money.)

8) I want an entourage. You know who had a great entourage? Gwen Stefani. She dressed up a herd of Japanese girls in the finest Harajuku attire, renamed them silly ass names, and had them follow her around EVERYWHERE for months.

That is an expression of wealth—human Barbie Dolls. My entourage will follow me everywhere, go to the most exciting places, travel the world, meet the most beautiful people, sample the most delicious cuisine, etc., all while looking sharp in outfits of my choosing. I'm leaning toward a gaggle of drag queens. Or just my best friends. They can stand around looking model-y.

9) I will realize my dream of being best friends Adam Lambert. Y'all think I'm playing. I think we would BFFs, with or without money being involved. But with that much money, it'll be a lot easier to meet him a few times to convince him of this.

No, seriously.

10) Jess-A-Palooza. Jess-Stock. The Jess-ed Tour. Jess Fair. There will be a music festival of epic proportions, featuring my favorite bands and musicians, and it will be by invitation only. There will be meet and greets, food and drink will be free, seating will be plush and comfy, AND IT WILL NOT BE HELD IN THE MIDDLE OF THE FUCKING SUMMER. Side note: Jesus Tap Dancing Christ, what is wrong with people?! Why would you want to go in the middle of July and be nasty and sweaty with other nasty, sweaty people, all while packed into a general admission show like a sardine?! Why would you do that to yourself?! No. This will be a lovely, relaxing event, held when it's a reasonable temperature, with plenty of room.

Looking back at this list I've wished for prostitution, assault, and slavery. I also appear to be very intolerant of people in general. Hmmmm… Whatever, I'll be rich. I'll become a Republican and that'll excuse all of it. That or I'll put my money in my ears so I can't hear the complaining. (Republicans do that too.)

I kid, I kid. Keep your sense of humor--it's free!

Oh, and I'll also be doing this when I cash the first check:

1 comment:

  1. OMG - BabyBear! I am gasping with laughter. I'm thinking you should just purchase the Broncos - which gives Richmond an actually INTERESTING sport and gives you access to HIM. Then we can let Roanoke or Blackburg or somewhere have The Rodents.