The Hurricane Names for 2014 Are Totally Lame.

My friend Jack got me to thinking after this tweet:

Super Typhoon Neoguri set to slam into Okinawa (Sounds a bit more ominous than 'Arthur', wouldn't you say?) http://t.co/wK6W5LxzNj
— Jack Lauterback (@jackgoesforth) July 7, 2014

I have to say I thoroughly agree with him. I think it’s pretty clear that the 2014 Hurricane season’s names are the worst yet. Sorry in advance if your name is Dolly, Fay, Nana, Teddy, or Wilfred. Although I’m not sorry, your names are terrible hurricane names. You should complain to NASA or NOAA or Al Roker or something.

I can't hear 'Hurricane Dolly' without thinking of Dolly Parton. Or maybe a sheep. Or maybe a sheep dressed as Dolly Parton. Supposing there is a Hurricane Dolly, it had better be absolutely fabulous, with a disproportionately (and possibly artificially) large western wall. All news segment music intros had better include a chorus of “Jolene.” And Jim Cantore better be clinging to a sign post, winds bearing down on him, making a “9 to 5” reference.

Okay, so maybe that hurricane isn’t so bad. But Hurricane Fay? … … Never mind, I’m related to a Fay, and she is definitely a hurricane--in all the best ways, of course. She is in charge, knows how to make a grand entrance, is good at organizing people, her arrival is greatly anticipated, she's frequently found in Florida, and her penchant for shopping is certainly hurricane-like.

So we’re good with Hurricane Dolly and Fay. But what about Nana? What is she going to do? Harass you about when you’re going to FINALLY get married and have babies? Or when are you going to cut your hair? Or lose weight? Or wear nicer clothes? Or put on some make up? Or when are you going to do something with your life? Or dump one guy for another? Or go to her preferred church? Or clean your house to meet her level of clean? Or criticize some other part of your life?!?!?! … … Never mind, that is all very destructive and scary. Hurricane Nana is also very, very terrifying.

Well Teddy can’t possible be that intimidating a name. Teddy makes me think of bears, and bears totally--

Terrifying. Teddy is effing terrifying. Never mind.

But we can all agree that Hurricane Wilfred is not at all scary. Not even a little. Wilfred is a middle-aged man in a dog suit. Sorry Wilfred.