Heifer: That, which I am NOT!

For the record, in case there was ANY misunderstanding, calling a person, particularly a woman, particularly a woman who is fat, 'heifer,' even if you're "just joking," is neither appreciated, nor acceptable.

Why? Because a heifer is an animal of the bovine persuasion who has yet to have her first calf. The implication that I’m young and without child is certainly apt and possibly even appreciated, but I can definitely do without the bovine part.

Not pictured: Me.

See I've spent most of my life trying to battle a public that on the regular attempts to compare me to a barnyard animal, among other things, and having someone, however funny they think they're being, call me, 'heifer' is not helping the situation.

Of course that’s assuming you’re referring to me as an animal, which you probably aren’t. The truth is you’re probably using it in the non-barnyard vernacular, which is, according to Urban Dictionary, “A prodigiously large female.”

I'm pretty sure you know what 'large' means, along with female, but let's do a quick Google search on the word, ‘prodigious’.

Remarkably or abnormally! Oh! And massively! VAST. COLOSSAL. MAMMOTH. So I'm a mammothly large female. You're calling me that while laughing like the funny person and/or friend that you think you are! Well that is just charming.

But of course you’re just playing, right? You’re just taking a word that makes an observation about me and using it in a manner that you consider to be non-offensive and should therefore be non-offensive to me as well? That’s great. That works both ways right? Because if that’s the case, I can pull together a list of things I can call you too. So if I comment on your race, gender, appearance, or sexuality, don’t get offended--I’m just playing!! See! It’s funny! We’re all laughing, right?

Wait, we’re not? It’s not okay for me to use a slur against your race, gender, personal appearance, or sexuality? But… I’m confused. So it’s okay for you use a slur against me, but it’s not okay for me to do the same about you. Huh. That’s weird. I guess the only thing I can say is…

I understand this might be very confusing for you. To assist you in understanding what or who you may call a heifer, I've created the following list:

  An actual cow, preferably one who hasn't had her first calf yet.

This guy from "Rocko's Modern Life," although his name is spelled 'Heffer.'

A charitable organization to which you can/should contribute. In fact any time you try to call someone a heifer, donate to this charity. It’ll be like a swear jar.

So in conclusion, in case you haven’t gotten it through your head yet, DON’T CALL ME A HEIFER. Or else my prodigiously large ass and attitude will put you in your place, publicly, loudly, and mercilessly. Got it? Now you go have yourself a nice day!